Pass The Gabagool, Keep the Toxic Masculinity: An Essay About the Sopranos

The One With the Howitzer

When I was growing up I mostly had cable. It was tough to watch channels like HBO for that reason, but also I was a child by the late 90s and into the early 2000s, and was barely aware of HBO as a brand until later on. All of these things made it difficult for me to watch their selection of shows that were getting rave reviews from fans and critics such as The Sopranos.

Now, here's something that y'all should know about me: I love mafia media.

I think it's utterly fascinating how this subculture operates, what makes it ticks, how it runs and how it has been run over the years. Similarily, I love the Yakuza games because they go after similar themes just from a different angle.

So when I got HBO Max years ago, one of the first shows I put on my list was The Sopranos. I knew it was well loved (well, besides the controversial ending) and more importantly it was about a topic that I have long thought is pretty Neat.

I grew up watching The Departed (loved it but was way too young to watch it) and later in my life watched The Godfather (loved it and was definitely at a good age to appreciate it) and more recently I've also enjoyed the Mafia games, specifically the remake of the original and the new one set in Italy that examines the roots of the mob and how it came from Italy to America in the 1910s. All are great!

But The Sopranos is in its own category, at least when it came to television. No disrespect to those two great mob movies I just mentioned but when you get a television series you're able to do so much more than a movie can. Inherently, right? That just makes sense, you've got a lot more time after all. Well, unless you get unceremoniously cancelled. But luckily The Sopranos was a huge hit critically and financially from what I know, so that never happened. And here we are.

One of the things about the show I noticed within the first season (at time of writing I'm in the back half of the third season, no spoilers!) was how much the show did not take the ideal of machismo for granted. Our protagonist, Tony Soprano, is a large fellow who likes to throw that weight around with violence, insults, threats, and lots of cheating on his wife. He swears a lot, drinks, smokes, hangs out at a strip club constantly, and, you know, he's in the mafia.

But the problem isn't the mafia, well it is, but the real main problem is his family dynamics. The way he treats his children, how he treats his wife, and how he sees the world. And although we see that there is real love in what Tony does and how he treats his family (especially his daughter, Meadow) that love is brought through the pure intimidation factor of who Tony is. This is especially true for Carmela who clearly is having second thoughts about Tony after 19 years of Marriage.

Unfortunately for Carmela, she loves the glitz and the glamor too much. This is a recurring theme within the show. Another mafia member named Christopher is barely able to hold on to his current relationship with a talented woman named Adriana because she loves the things he buys for her. And she knows if she leaves him, she'll be in a much worse place. The same is true of Carmela, she'll probably lose access to the mansion, the swimming pool, the cars, the jewelry, etc.

These material goods tie these women to the mob, and makes them enablers, if not accomplishes to the crimes of the men they love. It puts them in a prison of their own emotions, of knowing that they are doing the "wrong" thing but also feeling like it gives them a chance at happiness. After all, they have nice shoes, nice diamond earrings, and in Carmela's case, she has a family. Can she really just walk away from all of that because she is secretly unhappy in her marriage?

It's a problem that any woman in a financially unstable state may find herself in, granted most of the time their partner isn't a member of the New Jersey mafia, but I digress. The issues both Carmela and Adriana face are real ones and at the very least something the wives and girlfriends of mafioso had to deal with it. It's smart to highlight that because it isn't an issue you may think about when you consider the mafia. You'll think about the hits that they put out, the riches they may have, the taxes they try to not pay, the guns and Italian heritage, but not the women.

The Sopranos doesn't let the viewer off the hook on these things however and it's all the better for it. The show doesn't hesitate to demonstrate that men like Tony are violent, narcissistic, and quick to anger in their best moments. The lack of control that Tony shows takes a toll on him throughout the series. At the time of me writing this, Tony has passed out at least 5 times, maybe more.

That's because all of the stress of being one of the head guys for the mafia is stressful as fuck, who knew? It's so stressful in fact, that Tony decides the only rational thing to do to get it under control is what we all wish men would do:

Go to therapy.

The Sopranos, however, isn't content with letting us think that therapy can fix any and all issues. Instead, it reminds us that therapy is a specific type of language and this language can be weaponized like any other.

Enter: Dr. Jennifer Melfi

Therapy Can't Save Us

Far be it from me to criticize therapy, I've been in and out of therapy for much of my life. From 2014 to 2022 I was in therapy for one thing or another. Whether it was a relationship, school, work, trauma, whatever. I found therapy helpful but it's helpful in a way that working out is, the results are gradual and almost invisible at first, it's only looking back at your journey that you can notice how you did better.

But for Tony, it's like he can't even look behind him without falling over himself in paranoia. On one hand, this is understandable because he's a mob boss and there are people who (justifiably or not) want to kill him. On the other hand though, it also makes living his life rather difficult. Anytime we see Tony trying to enjoy his life, some other shoe is just about to drop. Maybe someone is trying to off him, or his uncle is being a pain in the ass, or his mother, well, that's a whole 'nother issue.

Regardless, he goes to Dr. Melfi for advice, to go back through his childhood, help her (and us, the audience) see how he got to be this way. The answer will (not) surprise you: More toxic masculinity. Although not just that, but again, we'll get there in a little bit. For now it's worth thinking about Johnny Soprano and his effect on Tony as a child. For example, he often left Tony to his own devices, took Tony's sister on trips (though they were a tool for his extra-legal business) but not Tony, beat a man to death when Tony was nearby, and so on.

Johnny, as far as I've seen so far, didn't beat Anthony himself, although I wouldn't be surprised to see in a future season that he did. But his presence casts a big enough shadow that it doesn't matter. Tony sees himself in the past, that little boy who passed out because he saw meat and it reminded him of the man his father killed. All of this gets relayed to Dr. Melfi and she does the classic, "how does that make you feel?" kind of routine, although it's worth noting I think for all of her flaws she really does try and can be a great therapist, she's just got tough material.

At the same time, the patient has to want to get better. When I was doing therapy I had all of these preconceived notions of those who had wronged me, of myself, of the world around me. And therapy doesn't really work in any meaningful way if all I did was just reinforce and never challenge those beliefs of mine. Luckily, over time I feel as though I did just that. It doesn't make me perfect but hopefully it helps me be a little better towards the people I love everyday.

For Tony? It's a means to an end, a way for him to stop having panic attacks and passing out. But he's also deeply concerned that everyone in his gang will think less of him because he dares to express his feelings openly. And with a woman therapist no less! Maybe they'd feel better if it was a man, although somehow I doubt that is the case. Regardless, it's a secret that Tony tries to keep under wraps for much of season one and season two. By season 3 it's pretty much an open secret that Tony has been going to therapy and getting help for his panic attacks.

There's multiple conversations between Tony and his underlings in the first and second season. Some of them are more supportive than you would think, others give him strange looks, some judge him behind his back. The opinions differ and vary but generally no one is going to put a hit on him over it. Maybe they'll think of him less but Tony proves that underestimating him isn't a good idea over and over.

See, talking about your feelings, expressing your emotions, just admitting to having emotions in the first place about things is likely to get you in some kind of trouble within the mafia. It's all about being a tough guy, not saying the things on your mind, just doing your duty, caring about family, and proceeding with honor.

But these vague values that characters in The Sopranos and other mob media highlight time and time again are nothing but an out of touch ideal. They're based on unattainable ideas of the past, glamorization of what the world used to be, nostalgia in its most toxic form. It's a form of nostalgia that is entirely manufactured, largely by Hollywood and mass media (ironically), it is imagined up and then served to their community members in the most toxic way possible.

I did some research on other folks who have written about this topic (more on that at the end of this article) and one line that is constantly come back to is when Tony says he idolizes the strong silent type. The man who lets nothing get in his way, doesn't show his emotions, and simply gets the job done because he is a Man.

That kind of figure, of course, never actually existed.

Men have always expressed their emotions, if not through words then through their actions. And the men they tend to idolize (such as the actor Gary Cooper) are fictionalized attempts at trying to manifest the sort of ideal manhood they want to see in the rest of the world. Or, in the case of The Sopranos, to endlessly criticize that version of manhood over and over again for hundreds of thousands.

But okay, I sure have been talking about the men a lot.

What about women?

Family Freud

Mother's Day is right around the corner and let me be the first to say (in 2026) anyways that one of the worst mothers has to be Livia Soprano. I don't think a female character has annoyed me this much (and no, Skylar White didn't annoy me much at all from what I recall, she's over-hated!) in a long time. Maybe Cersei from Game of Thrones is up there? Regardless, fucking hate Livia Soprano.

It's entirely fair to say that Tony Soprano's father, Johnny, set Tony up for failure by instilling terrible core values into him. By giving him horrible memories of meat and murder, by making him a panic-inclined mess, and by excluding him and treating his wife like just another piece of meat as well.

But this does not excuse the kind of person Livia ended up being.

It's hard to exactly put into words why I hate Livia so much. I guess if I had to sum it up the closest I could come to is this: She's a manipulative asshole. Everything she says has a twist to it, everything she does there's an ulterior motive. When she gets out her handkerchief to cry, you know she's doing it to manipulate Tony.

When she starts blubbering about her "poor Johnny" (despite how he treated her) you know she's doing her best to deflect. She doesn't want to face accountability for her actions or the bitter way she sees the world. In her mind no one cares about her, they've remanded her to a nursing community out of some need to get rid of her, and they barely come to see her or do anything for her because they hate her.

In reality, Tony yearns for the approval of his mother throughout season 1 and some of season 2. She is a constant point of contention in his life where, even in his 30s, he's still trying to constantly please Livia and make her think the world of him. Luckily, this is one area where therapy does help as he realizes his mother really doesn't care about him and only cares about herself.

Livia tries to have Tony killed, constantly ignores the nice things he does for her (like bringing food to her that he knows she loves), and constantly talks down to him, making him feel smaller and smaller. And deep down Tony knows the way she's treating him isn't right. He does get fed up with it, tells her off several times and in many different ways, but nothing really sticks to Livia.

Nothing, except death.

Very sadly the actress portraying Livia suddenly passed away after season 2 had finished recording (I had no idea prior to writing this article) and so they had to quickly write her off in season 3 using CGI (gross). I honestly didn't even realize it was CGI, which is impressive because this is over 20 years ago. I probably thought she looked off but it had been a year since they recorded and I likely just attributed it to makeup, wear and tear, getting older, etc. Regardless, I was very wrong.

It's funny because the whole time I was rooting for Livia to die and get off my screen. She's a self-victimizer who feeds into Tony's misogyny and makes him takes his anger and stress out on people who don't deserve it such as his wife and his children. I bring all of this up to highlight that Tony's toxicity doesn't just come from his father, his ideal of what a Man should be, it also comes from his horrible mother, not since Bojack Horseman have I disliked a mother so much.

But despite my dislike, when she did die, it isn't like Tony's problems are solved and it isn't like he's suddenly an award-winning feminist either. He still cheats on his wife, he still treats Carmela like crap more generally, he tries to control Meadow's relationship with Noah (a black student at Columbia University) and keeps denigrating Dr. Melfi and her practice, all while taking the benefits.

There are some small signs of growth however. Tony invites Carmela to the therapy session, which in turn helps Carmela finally seek a therapist (and he tells her to divorce him) and Carmela says Tony has been doing better. But Tony is still domineering, he's violent, he's abusive, he's loud, he's controlling, he's everything that a case study on toxic masculinity could possibly want to see.

That doesn't mean, as sad as it is, I'm not rooting for Tony on some level. I want Tony to be a better husband, a better father, a better man. But the foundations of his beliefs just haven't been challenged or are otherwise too sturdy to be challenged in such a way that he would meaningfully change.

Obviously, what he really needs to do is to quit the mafia. But Tony loves the power, money, and community too much to do that. He'll never do that and I know that because the conclusion of The Sopranos is so infamous that I heard people complain about it when I was a teenager just starting high school.

Tony and the boys are sitting in a restaurant and the air is tense.

Tony is looking this way and that way.

He's looking over his shoulder, through the window, in front of him.

He's surrounded by men who are supposedly loyal to him and love him.

You think that maybe Tony is going to die here, he's going to finally get his.

After all of these seasons, these years of programming Tony is going to get it.

But, as we all know, that isn't what happens.

Instead, it all fades to black.

‌Bordo, Susan “How Tony Soprano Inaugurated a New (and Raw) Version of Masculinity.” Literary Hub, 6 Apr. 2021,

‌Morrison, Chris “‘Unhappy Wanderers: Explicitly Masculine Cycles of Abuse in the Sopranos’ by Chris Morrison.” Illuminate Journal , 7 Oct. 2025,

Parth, “The Sopranos: How Toxic Masculinity Affects Men and the People around Them.” A Space for Random Thoughts, 28 Mar. 2022,

‌Sky. “Tony Soprano: The First in a Long Line of ‘Difficult Men.’” Sky News, Sky, 12 Mar. 2018,

‌