Pillar #1: Being a Weirdo

Introduction to an Introductory Series

This is the first part in my series of posts that tell you all about me and who I am as a person at this time (January 2026). I'll have three more parts in the weeks where I go into other topics such as pro-wrestling, video games, and more!

I Was Me But Now S(h)e's Gone

I think my first memory is walking in the mall with my mom and seeing fake plastic trees (normally I'd link Radiohead but eh maybe not) in the mall next to a little alcove which had some water in it. Why would they water the fake trees in a mall? The 90s were weird, but they weren't that weird were they?

There's pictures of me lining up all "my guys" (toys) in a line and making sure they were Just Right, as if I had very specific designs for them as a kindergartner. I was a very shy kid but I was happy from what little I can remember. I didn't know my father, he left when I was two (the ol' pack of milk and gallon of cigarettes trick gets me every time!), so I don't remember him. He died when I was 10.

My first crush was Elisa Maza from Gargoyles and damn I was cooking with that pick. It makes so much sense that my first crush was A) Fictional B) From a nerdy television show on Disney C) Was a detective. I've grown up to love most of these things (not you, Disney) and become obsessed with noir. Disco Elysium is one of my favorite games of all time and I love animated shows, even as an adult.

I had many problems making friends as a kid. I didn't fit in and when I tried to fit in, it often got me into trouble or made others uncomfortable. I still remember being sat down in the cafeteria because I got too friendly with a girl in elementary school and didn't understand that just because something is "nice" doesn't mean it's actually nice in all contexts. Turns out, Pepe Le Pew wasn't a good role model.

Have I mentioned I'm autistic?

I was sent away at least twice growing up because of my behavioral issues. I wasn't dangerous to others but I was unstable and needed help, sometimes my medicine did their thing and sometimes I was having a freak out at soccer practice after I suddenly got sprayed with shaving scream. I remember playing Tony Hawk Underground and reading Lemony Snicket one time when I was sent away as well as discovering The Adventures of Tintin, so it wasn't all bad I guess.

Middle school and high school weren't much better for me.

I slowly figured out how to fit in better, but being in special education up until 9th grade when, by 7th or 8th I had grown out of it, did me few favors. Intellectually, I was smart for my age (this is not bragging by the way, I was book-smart, not street smart), I had a college level reading by the time I was in 5th grade and was getting good grades throughout most of my middle school and high school classes. I remember asking my social studies teacher to let me take a copy of the VHS that had Lewis and Clark's journey with me so I could watch it home.

And yeah, I did watch it.

So I did pretty well for myself academically.

Except for math.

Fuck math.

High school was a mess for me. Looking back, I dated people I shouldn't have, crushed on people too hard, didn't know how to juggle my emotional and physical needs at all and had poor coping mechanisms for these problems to boot. I had friends, but it took me a while to find them, and I kept ending up either dating them, losing them, or sticking with them but it was toxic in some way. Unsurprisingly, I've lost touch with almost everyone from high school.

There were good things too though.

I got into politics hardcore through Rage Against The Machine, discovered how much I loved rock and metal, got even more into video games, refined my love anime which had developed first during my time in elementary school (more on that in another post), and although my relationships were fraught throughout high school, with a few major changes I had a good time overall. Academically I did well for myself by the end of it, never got severely bullied or humiliated, made a couple of close friends I stayed in touch with for several years after, developed my personality and hobbies a lot more, that's better than some I'm guessing.

College ended up being another mixed bag. At this point I was more or less confident in some foundational image of myself but was still in a relationship that I look back at and wonder how I thought it was a good idea. Bottom line, I was a very lonely person who hadn't made peace with many future things about herself, including the whole "herself" part. I didn't do any partying, I had already decided I was straight-edge by this point thanks in part to pro-wrestling and my general disinterest in alcohol, parties, drugs, whatever. I'm very cool and fun, yes indeed.

I dropped out after my first year (2011) and decided it was a much better idea to go live in a bus for around 6 months where I never paid a single dollar to live there in exchange for help on a friend of a friends house (2011 was weird). Eventually I went elsewhere and moved in with family. From there I went to Mass (2014), back to New Hampshire (2016), back to Mass (2021), back to New Hampshire (2023) and that's been my life, always in flux, never static.

Being Autistic

To back up a bit, I'm autistic and that's really put a big fucking hamper in some of my life. It means, briefly, I get overwhelmed faster than others, especially with social stimuli. I don't pick up on social cues as easily as well as facial or body language that everyone else would. I ask a lot of clarifying questions, I try to reason everything out (which can annoy people), I do my best to approach things logically (which sometimes means I lack empathy). A lot of these approaches have served me well but there's been plenty of times where they haven't too, c'est la vie.

At 34 I've embraced who I am as a person but as a child it wasn't so easy.

The first book on autism I read was given to me by my grandmother. Because I was an autistic boy I was given the test rather early, diagnosed early and given the "aspergers" label and had a lot of support. A lot of girls don't get that same chance and if I had figured out I was trans when I was a child, forget it. I'm not even sure what kind of support I would've gotten in a late 90s/early 2000s world.

And with all of that support I still made a ton of mistakes both as a child and as a adult that I massively regret or wish I had done at least a little differently. Certain social mores didn't impress me when I was younger and I wish I had paid them more heed rather than dismissing them because the majority thought it was a good idea and it didn't come as naturally to me to respect them.

Oh yeah, I haven't even mentioned I have ADHD! That's attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. I didn't just get the normal set of ADD but I got the bundle deal with hyperactivity too so I can get rather excited at times over something. So go me? Usually they coincide with things that make me stim, so special interests like pro-wrestling or winning at a video game or a cool thing in D&D. And have I mentioned I'll be talking about other things in future posts? Just wanted to mention it again randomly, no particular reason to say that at all.

Partially why I say I have ADHD is there is no real neat way to say I am ADHD and to me, being autistic is much more core to who I am as a person on a fundamental level. Obviously I can get hyper and stim, but it's hard to know where the autism begins and the ADHD ends at time. It's no surprise I have both (and gender issues) since all of these things tend to be co-morbid with each other.

To the extent that the term "AuDHD" has become popular among neurodiversity communities because of the ways in which these two diagnoses can feed off of each other and intersect in interesting and sometimes harmful ways.

But unlike ADHD, to me, autism isn't a thing you have, it's not a cold or a disease, autism is what you are as a person. Being autistic isn't something that can be cured (and even if it could there are eugenicist concerns abound) but rather be given all of the support you can. Not through trashy organizations like Autism Speaks but much better and inclusive ones such as Autistic Women & Nonbinary Network and Autism Self Advocacy Network, both of which do incredible work for and by the autistic community.

A common refrain within the disability community (and that's what autism is, it's a neurologically difference that causes impairments in speech and social functioning as well as sensory intake) is: Nothing about us without us!

I've dated other autistic people, or folks who I suspect are on the spectrum. It has gone well at times and other times it hasn't. Because autism is a spectrum of disorders, it is hard to say if your autism and your friend's autism are going to match up quite right. For instance, I had a friend of many years who I mostly knew online come stay with me for a time until he could get back on his feet. We had known each other since the 2000s and I was confident it would work well.

Dear Reader it did not go well.

Our "tism's" both got on each others nerves, his habits would aggravate me to no end, and my quirks in person could get tiring for him as well. Eventually he moved out and our friendship nearly ended because of this debacle. Luckily, we were able to mend fences and still talk. But the takeaway I got from this experience was: just because you're good friends online, doesn't mean you'll be good roommates.

Being autistic has profoundly impacted many of my relationships over the course of my life. I've said stupid shit I didn't even know what stupid shit, and people who I thought were my friends decided not to tell me it was stupid shit and then they just ghosted me, unfriended me, bad-mouthed me online, or called me out in text (if they were nice). And don't get me wrong, no one is entitled to criticism or feedback (and I'm also responsible for my actions!), but damn, it would be nice if we lived in a world where more people were honest instead of gestures broadly

On the other hand, I say that and that world terrifies me too! I'm constantly hyper-aware and simultaneously not aware enough of whatever the fuck I'm doing at any given time and I'm not sure I want to be in a world where people are even more direct about how they feel and how much I'm fucking up. Jesus, there's just no winning with me, is there? Unfortunately, that's how it is to be autistic sometimes.

And when it comes to emotions, I think I'm doing too much but feel I'm doing too little. I want to give so much to so many but feel powerless to do anything at all. Feelings like this when you're autistic isn't uncommon and is why sensory overloads, emotional burnout and empathy burnout can happen more commonly to folks on the autism spectrum which is where accusations of "laziness" or "coldness" can misleadingly come from.

So I urge everyone, if you're reading this and curious about empathy and autism to remember that, in my experience with other autistic people, it isn't that autistic people lack empathy, it's that we struggle with getting the right amounts in the right ways, which often leads to burnout and thus sounding a bit more robotic.

Anyways, as much as I've complained about being autistic, I do love it. It gives me a huge drive (I've been typing this for over an hour now!) and the things I'm passionate about I'm really knowledgeable. It makes me a weirdo and it can get me into trouble from time to time, but overall I'm glad for it. It's part of who I am, it helped me cultivate some interests that give me joy, and it makes me a more knowledgeable and passionate person overall, I'll call that a net win, thank you.

Steer Queer of all the Rest

Sometimes you get inspired from the worst sources.

For instance I learned about hetero-flexible from disgraced comedian Louis C.K.

This was back in 2010s when C.K. was at the height of his popularity and had a show called Louis which I also (unfortunately) really enjoyed for the most part. He has this scene where he takes his kids out to eat early in the morning for pancakes and it is one of the first scenes of media that ever made me consider having kids.

I also discovered that I could be hetero-flexible because of the scene between Gwen Stacy (played by Emma Stone) and Peter Parker (played by Andrew Garfield) where they kiss and there's all of this water involved.

My reaction went something like this:

Wow! She's hot!

...He's kinda hot too?

Oh no.

So thanks Andrew Garfield, you beautiful man.

(Also shout out to Michael B. Jordan)

It took me a year or two after these experiences, but the more I looked within myself and figured out what I liked, I roughly figured out I was:

1) Pansexual

2) Polyamorous

3) Transgender

4) Then, more specifically, non-binary/agender

What a ride, huh?

All of this shit just meant I didn't fit in even more. I struggled with my body for a year or so after a disastrous relationship with a trans person I met, started wearing different clothes, changed my name, flirted with different pronouns before settling on she/her and generally couldn't place myself on any particular position.

I thought about my relationships and realized jealousy isn't as much of a thing for me as it is for others. I don't mind the idea of dating multiple people at once (no it's not like Mormonism you're thinking of polygamy) and I actually managed to try it for myself once or twice in the last 10 years. Though in the last 5 years or so I've contended myself with being "practically monogamous".

All of this doesn't even include my stances on religion (agnostic-atheism) and politics (anarchism) which makes it even harder for me to have conversations with people who love God or love politicians which, unfortunately, often correlate in the amount of worship and faith that is bestowed into them, with poor results.

But make no mistake, this isn't a political blog. I'm not here to lecture you on anarchism, I did that for a long time and I'm pretty burnt out on it at this point.

It's also not a religious blog. I've never been into theology and discussing or putting down folks religious beliefs. So long as those religious beliefs don't require the oppression of marginalized folks, I typically don't care. In fact, I've gone as far as to call myself a quasi-Buddhist (since it doesn't really require you to believe in a God in the traditional sense) and I've also flirted with Taoism, Quakerism, and have been in a UU church more than once, though mostly for non-UU events.

As well as just calling it day and being a nihilist, so you know.

I find mindfulness, meditation, and self-reflection really cool things that have helped me become a better person. That said, they can also be buzzwords used by corporations so that workers don't get better pay and instead get "benefits" that are supposed to keep them distracted by how oppressive capitalism i-

Ah, I did it again.

Well, you get the point.

And the point is, if I had a "life conversation" (I just made up this phrase) it would probably be the one that opens My Chemical Romance's I'm Not OK (I promise) with Ray and Gerard saying to each other:

Ray: You like DnD, Audrey Hepburn, Fangoria, Harry Houdini and Croquet, You can't swim, you can't dance, and you don't know karate, face it, you're never gonna make it

Gerard: I don't wanna make it, I just wanna

Part me of me wishes I wanted to belong, or wanted to be part of the social club that everyone seems to be in. But I'm not in it and I doubt I ever will be.

So if you want to join the Losers Club (we don't fight scary clowns, promise), then come along if you like. I'll be happy to have you here. Shit, maybe I should have called this the Losers Club? But then everyone would've thought this was a Stephen King blog and it most assuredly is not.

Unless...

Nah, it's not.